I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
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This will never not be funny to me.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.