nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
*me flirting
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
best first i’ve ever seen
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever