[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them