Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.