all that yoga finally paid off
You Might Also Like
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
The absolute effort that went into this omg
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded