me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
You Might Also Like
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Happy birthday to all the women
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE