Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Lmao
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.