GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
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Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Someone just threatened to call me later
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.