If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
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Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Banderslack Clamberdorch
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!