gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
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If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.