Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
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Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.