“The Perfect Relationship”
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Practicing safe sax
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine