[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
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ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great