If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
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Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.