Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
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Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I am yelling
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Storm Tropical Storm
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?