My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!