I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
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Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Oh yeh? Explain this then
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Noted.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch