difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
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Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Respect
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
The pen is writier than the sword.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!