First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
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The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.