I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
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I already tried new things thanks.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
real
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.