Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.