Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
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That’s not how days work.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this