First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
You Might Also Like
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
remember
only for emergencies
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality