Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
some Old Testament wisdom
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.