I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
there’s probably a fee though
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.