When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
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*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.