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I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”