I’m not wrong
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My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!