Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
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I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
The Punning Dead.
He just like my cat fr
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*