(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I put the h in mysterious.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.