No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
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Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Meeeee too!