Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.