Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
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When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.