YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Perfection.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.