All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
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I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
the best thing i’ve ever made
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try