Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree