*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
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*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.