I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
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I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.