I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
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If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.