My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
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We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
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I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.