I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.