Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.