Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
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Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*