Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
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BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.