You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
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When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
This has made my week.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.