Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
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[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
yeah 😭
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.