Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
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It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Breaking news:
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.