People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
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THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’m Sold!
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.