The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
All generalizations are stupid.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?