I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Thursday
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.